I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
