I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
