I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
