4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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