FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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