got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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