she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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