Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
