I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
