Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
