Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
