at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
