I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
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