I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
