if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
