I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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