I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
