oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
