this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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