I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I feel great
I just peed on a car
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
