The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
