Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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