Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
