i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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