i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
