I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Girls should come with a carfax report
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
