I just cut my nipple shaving
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
