fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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