Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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