i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
