my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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