Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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