I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
