just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
