I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
