I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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