Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
