allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
