what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
