if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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