your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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