After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
