just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
