the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
