We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
