I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
