WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
