chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
