my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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