guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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