So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
