I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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