Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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