from now on my penis is your penis
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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