Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
