I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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