This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
