We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
