NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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