listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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